J.

Fear. Fear is something that has driven me my whole life. 

As a child I primarily functioned from fear. Fear of things bigger than me, fear of men, mainly fear of my father. This fear spread like a cancer to not only embrace myself and my parents, but also the rest of the world. Going into grade school I was afraid of everyone. This fear made me awkward. Being awkward made me a target for bullies. I was bullied until high school. In high school I didn’t have many friends. I had some, but only one that I held close. I was far too shy to make that connection. 

After high school I dated a lot of girls. I was deathly afraid of every single one of their fathers. I wasn’t as afraid of women by that point. I had learned to trust them, but was still terribly awkward. I could barely get a woman to look at me, let alone take me seriously. And alas, my fear of men was still crippling. It was still hard to make friends too, due to my fear of getting close to people and terrible shyness. 

Earlier this year I had beaten most of my fears, but was still afraid to get close to people. I didn’t talk to strangers very much, and I was not comfortable around them. 

Then I made a choice. “I’m going to move to New Hampshire”. This isn’t something I just did on a whim. I knew the whole time I was in NC that it simply wasn’t the place for me. My growth was too much for the state to sustain. So on May 13th 2014 I packed all the shit in my car, took the $200.00 my lovely mother had given me to change my life and moved 900 miles north. 

The whole drive there was a state of metamorphosis. I was growing from a crippled child to a leaping man. I wasn’t questioning my actions and looking for acceptance, I was plowing my way through unknown territory, smashing through obstacles and guessing my way through tribulations. 

I arrived May 14th, 3 AM to the company of my best friend, Nicholas Conley. The next day I got a bank account and on the 17th I had a job interview for a group home. I got the job. 

The group home has 3 men in it. All of them severely challenged in every way. I’ll describe them in the least detail possible so they can keep their privacy. 

My first day walking in I was scared shitless. Who were these men and what the fuck am I doing here? I could barely take care of myself

Day after day I came into work feeling like there was nothing I could do to make their situation better. 

One of the men, who we shall call “J” was very physical in that he was very rough and would accidentally punch people in the face constantly… hard. He’s very very strong for absolutely no good reason and doesn’t have the best control over his limbs. The message gets to the muscle to move, but not “how much”. So instead of putting his arms up, he throws them up. 

I was afraid of him. I saw him as physically violent. Something I had feared all my life. 

I instantly clung to him. 

Every morning I would get him up, bathe him in bed, change his clothes, brush his teeth, give him his meds, feed him and then take him out for his daily activities. I’ve done this every single day now for about 2 months so far. 

This job was meant to be a part-time thing until I got accepted into a job the government offered me. 

I will now be turning down this government job. 

It’s a great job but it’s not for me. 

I’m meant to be taking care of J and the other two men in the house he resides. 

Because it’s not about what I can’t do, but rather what I can do. 

and because through J I learned 2 things. 

1: People are not scary. Your idea of people is what is scary. Sometimes people give you that idea, but it’s just an idea. The truth is 9 times out of 10, their WAY less scary. People are just people. They certainly aren’t as bad as they seem. Honestly, they are quiet wonderful if you can see through the surface; if you’ll just look deep enough. 

2. The key to happiness is choice. Not the choice between small or extra large, black or white, version 1.0 or 2.0… The choices that matter are what is going to be your attitude today? Do you want to laugh? Are you going to be honest? Do I want to be happy? The key to happiness is choice. The choice to decide who you are going to be and simply the choice to be happy no matter what. Actions don’t dictate who you are or whether or not you are happy, you do. What and who you choose to be is all that matters. 

These people are the most physically challenged people I know, yet they are the happiest. They know hardships I can’t even begin to comprehend. If they can be happy, why can’t I?

Through J I not only learned to not fear him and other people, but to not fear who I am. I make mistakes but I am a god damn good person. I fucking love J and I look forward to taking care of him and seeing him every single day. Just today we were singing Christmas Carols in the doctors office. If he can sing there, god damn it, I can too! 

I know who I am and I choose to love me and be happy. 

Thank you, J. I couldn’t have done it without you. <3

Get out. 

Eddie jammin’

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mattcamoron:

chris cornell the grunge fangirl

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awwsheeit:

This always fucking gets me.

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