Well, that’s the end of that, I guess.
Keep on your merry fuckin’ way.
Well, that’s the end of that, I guess.
Keep on your merry fuckin’ way.
Some people belong in front of a microphone.
I. Do. Not.
Someone call’em. He needs them, quick!
Write that song, say that thing! You have to be full of something! Be unexpected! Be unusual! Come on! Show them the “you” that they want, they expect! Be kinky! What’s wrong with you? Make that money! You could be making the same thing that this 22 year old in my business is! HEY! Get on this train! Throw your life away! Give it to me, baby! Show me you got that thang! I wanna see it! Show me you can move it grove it to MY songs! Show me COMPROMISE! Come on! Give it all up! Flush it down. Live MY dream! Show me it’s okay, baby! Don’t make me feel bad!
Or just be you. It’s not as simple as you think.
I don’t know shit about friends.
I have this loyalty thing. When I’m loyal to someone, it’s simple: I do nothing to hurt them. I do everything I can to help them. I am open to who they are and do my best to not cast judgment. There is a shitty truth to that too, though. I’m critical of how they treat me. If they do not, in some way, reciprocate my affections or loyalty, if they don’t try to talk to me or are rude to me, I dismiss them as friends entirely. The problem with this is that when someone makes themselves appear like they want to be my friend all the things listed above are applied. People generally have more conditions with time but I feel like I kind of just expect all of it at once, without any time spent.
I hate it when people call me weird. I have said in the past that it’s a compliment but I know that it’s not. I should take it as one. I love things that are unique. I like being unique, but weird is not “different”. Weird means strange. You aren’t like the rest of us, you are weird. An afflicted being. A monster in the eyes of the celestial being. You are not understood. You are alien. You don’t belong.
So I’m sitting here thinking about an old friend I had. We will call her E because that is the first letter of her first name. Anywho, E and I dated a long time ago. I have always felt a strange bond with her. I think it’s because I think she is like me and I want to help her. I was always very nervous around her, though. It’s stupid. Anyways, sometimes, I feel hurt by her. I feel hurt because she never tries to talk to me. She has bailed on plans to hang out before, too. She just never really seemed very interested in me. I think I am bad at communicating, sometimes.
Anyways, I’m thinking about deleting her on FB and forgetting all about her. Not really forgetting everything we have been through and known about each other, but rather forgetting her in terms of where I shall spend my time and worries in the future. I don’t want to think about her anymore. I feel like she hurts me. Or rather, my expectations of where I feel our friendship should be hurts me. I feel like if she wants to be my friend, she should put some effort into talking to me. I feel like she should communicate with me in some way. Am I wrong? I’d like to think that this is normal, that friends actually talk to each other. Are we friends or “allies”? Will you talk to me when you need me and not before then? Am I actually your friend? Do you ever wonder if I’m doing OK or miss me? Maybe you’re just as bad at communicating as I am.
She wrote me this pretty awesome letter before I moved away from the town that we lived in. I want to believe that the words she wrote were words of truth, springing forth from her heart. Given the evidence I have received, they are not. I am a well of attention to be visited when the supply is low. I am a pool to dip her feet in when they get dry. I am a bed to lie in when hers becomes barren and cold.
So here I am, losing friends and keeping expectations. To reverse this spree, do I lower expectations instead? Am I simply too weird to expect too much from the people that I know?
I really want someone to share with, but at the same time, I really don’t. To be honest, I am hurt. I am hurt by humanity as a whole. I expect that people see my face and raise no expectations as to who I am. But that is not the truth. Again, I’ll say, “I am weird”. There is a fine line between the way you want to act, the things you want to say and the things you do that you cannot pass. I speak my mind. If I want to run, I run. If I want to do something silly because… Well, even if I don’t have a fucking reason, I’m going to do it! I like saying stupid things like, “bloop!” I like saying things like, “AAAYYYYOOOO!!!!!”. It makes me happy, god damn it. Can a man have his fucking happiness without you thinking he’s weird because you don’t agree with me. I don’t waste my time in front of a mirror, nor do I stare at my fucking phone endlessly. I don’t depend on other people too much. I don’t ask for much. I ask for open arms and open minds. If you explain something to me, I will listen. I will listen with everything that I have. I will think about what you said and consider it as if it were the only think I ever had to do. I will tell you as honest as a man can that I either think that you are wrong or right, then I will tell you why. I express things in a very passionate way. When I talk to you about it, it will not be boring. If you give me a high amount of respect, we will have fun. If you listen, if you disagree, if you are uniquely yourself, we will have an amazing time. If you worry too much about what “should be” or what you should look like, be doing or thinking about, or if your goal in life can be touched, then we will NOT be having a fucking blast. If the name of the song and artist that wrote it means more than the lyrics and notes, please go the fuck away. I don’t care if you think Creed and Pearl Jam are not popular. I don’t care if you think my love of Eiffel 65 and Duran Duran is stupid. Just let me be me. I am fucking interesting, I promise. Spend some time with people! Fucking talk to them! Stop pretending to be so young! PLEASE! Just be yourself! Laugh! Live! Love! Play! Sing! Dance! Fucking lie on the carpet and think about what your family is going to be like 15 years from now. Imagine yourself in a situation you would never find yourself in, just to explore the possibilities of your reaction. Think about the unknown. Doubt things, think these doubts out. Prove yourself wrong! Don’t be scared of looking stupid! Make someone laugh even if you feel strange and unwanted! Fucking smile even if you aren’t happy, so that maybe someone else that isn’t happy can smile too. Drink wine. Be merry. Get married. Make that fucker so god damn happy they would die for you. Fight for them. Don’t give up. When you do give up, make it up! Try, fight, be passionate! Live until you are dead! Wonder! Wander! Get lost! I really don’t believe that people can get lost. It’s called exploring. Spread your arms and pretend to fly. It makes you feel like you can’t be held down by your current situation. Imagine that you are the best at something. You may not be, but you could be. Be open to the possibilities you may find in others. They are staggering in quantity and quality. Love one person recklessly. Love yourself more recklessly, always. Give someone what they want but never take what you want.
I don’t know. If this is you, up there. Your life is fucking hard. But hey, I love you, so keep your head up. Keep on dancing, we need you.
I fucking love you folks.
Roy Trenneman (The IT Crowd) appreciation post